CHURCH FUNNIES

   A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."  The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?  A little kid said, "Verge."  Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"  The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

   3-year-old, Reese:  Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen

   A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

   After listening to the morning sermon on “Christian Families”, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

   A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

PICKING UP PECANS! 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

     "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate, Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."  He just knew for sure what that was.  He jumped on his old bike and rode off fast as he could.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a can, hobbling along.

     "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heart!  Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."  The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"  When the boy insisted thought, the man hobbled too the cemetery.  Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me...." 

     "The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the Lord."  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. 

     At last they heard, "One for you, and one for me.  That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." 

     They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

Did you hear about the teacher who was explaining to her students why the story of Jonah could not be real?  The teacher said, "First of all a whale is a mammal and secondly its throat is too small to swallow a human."  A little boy responded, "When I get to heaven, I'm gonna ask Jonah about that."  The teacher responded, "But what if Jonah went to hell?"  The little boy didn't miss a beat as he responded, "Then YOU ask him."